My imposter syndrome struggle

There is one area of my life that I know I’ve done fairly well in: that is the ability to build up a list of exceptional accolades. From a number of qualifications with accredited universities under my name, a good corporate career and recently being named one of the most promising and trusted corporate master of ceremonies (MC) in Lesotho. Being a nerd with a sense of style and flair for the dramatic has helped me brand myself and grow into the person I’d like to be. Often seen oozing with confidence and insurmountable energy. Did I mention my charming and friendly smile?

Picture by MSU Clout

Oh yes, my smile is everything! Authentic, friendly and handsome. Who wouldn’t want to be in such company?

I’ve successfully managed to position myself as a go getter. A determined, focused and fiercely enthusiastic young adult who is not afraid of putting in the hours to achieve his goals. From packaging ice at 22:30pm in the evenings, to marking scripts after a long semester of part lecturing. Let’s not forget about showing up at the office bright and early, with a bounce of optimism in my step, to writing blog posts that make you feel like it’s okay to make mistakes, own them and learn from them. I’ve also been that guy who dreams of being published in an academic journal, pursues the dream relentlessly, achieves it and walks onto stage like a “pro” to host an event after sleepless nights engaging in the body of knowledge. Yes, literature review is a MUST!

Picture of my dissertation

In an ideal world, I would say that I am a super hero – possessed with infinite powers. I’d say I’m a jack of all trades, mastering them with great ease. Never fearing, never tiring, never quitting! Who wouldn’t want to be Superman?

Well, I’d be a fraud if I owned up to any of these titles. I am not Superman or a master of all trades. Much like everyone else, I’m an ordinary guy, who struggles from the imposter syndrome. For years, I’ve battled with self doubt; second guessing some of the opportunities that came my way. I carried this struggle into my early 30s, the imposter syndrome affecting me in my corporate job. Most days I question if I’m a competent people manager, ready to step up to the next level of leadership. This is still affecting other prominent areas of my young adult life such as building a business empire or a strong online presence. Am I good enough? Am I deserving?

In her blogpost titled “ Yes, The imposter syndrome is real”, Abigail Adams defines the imposter syndrome as a state of mind where an individual second guesses their abilities, achievements, skills or talents. He or she negatively speaks down on him/herself, stating reasons why they are underserving of specific opportunities. Often times, the individual has feelings of inadequacy and being a fraudster, likely to be exposed.

My struggle with the imposter syndrome shows up many times. I’ll mention three events for purposes of this blogpost. The first incident was being selected to be part of the 2019 Mandela Washington fellowship. Although I had a proven track, I believed there were more deserving candidates. I could not reconcile why I eventually made it, when those I deemed more deserving didn’t, ridiculous! I was invited to speak at a Financial Wellness webinar, hosted by a friend based in Kenya Nairobi in June 2020. Despite being a guest speaker amongst other industry giants listed for the webinar; I struggled coming to terms with why I was selected to as one of the speakers. Weeks prior to the webinar, I suffered from anxiety attacks. I questioned whether I knew enough despite all the work I’ve done in this field. I was worried about the diverse audience across the African continent- would I make sense? Would I be relatable? Would I be relevant? Last, but not least is my struggle each time I have to host an event or speak in public. The uncomfortable feeling of a dry throat and restless stomach hits me ALL the time. It’s always surprising when people tell me I am a born natural. I wish they could see me hiding in dark corners outside the venue- grasping for air, panicking and ferociously trying to remember my opening lines. This in my view is an unpleasant scene to witness. Some people who have seen me on stage will say this is a lie…

THUD 2019

So how do I cope with my imposter syndrome?

Well, I start by listening to empowering music. I have a playlist of “get up and do it “ songs on my playlist. I play these songs from the moment I get out of bed. My music helps me to get my mindset in the game, because feeling like a champion can be uplifting. Secondly, I try to have conversations with myself (sometimes feels like I’m crazy)- in the shower, while getting ready and in the car. In these monologues, I remind myself of my brilliance, of all the accolades I’ve achieved and why I am the best person for the job. It sometimes feels like a lie and takes a lot of convincing, but I envision success – a venue full of people cheering me on, routing for me to succeed and do well. Sometimes I envision standing ovations, a room full clapping after I’m done – this really gets my spirits up.

Lastly, I acknowledge my feelings of inadequacy and self doubt- I allow myself to be vulnerable and wallow in self pity. I then choose to end the pity party and wallowing to focus my energy on preparing extremely well. I do research, I practice, I show up and I smile (my genuinely authentic smile). I reflect on my accolades, remembering what I’ve done really well and I focus on that. This has helped (and continue to do so) me keep my imposter syndrome in check. I intentionally show up and get things done even when I’m afraid or feeling insecure about myself. I post my YouTube videos even when I’m afraid of being criticized. I accept invites to speak at webinars where I’ve never imagined possible.

Like Lisa Nichols says “let’s own our brilliance, while owning our imperfections and live in constant duality” I am choosing to live in duality – where my brilliance and imposter syndrome (imperfections) co-exist. The only difference in my case is that my brilliance will always come out at the top- I’m intentional about this. I’m choosing to be authentic, a nerd with a sense of style, a handsome smile who is struggling with the imposter syndrome, but owning his brilliance. I challenge you to own your brilliance!