Finding the courage to walk away

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” Morrie Schwartz

I am of the view that relationships are beautiful! Be it family, friendship, professional or romantic relationships; they are all equally beautiful. With time, I’ve learnt that relationships require nurturing, consistent nurturing. I’ve come to appreciate that if I am to build meaningful relationships, I need to pour energy into them; much like watering my house plants. I’ve learnt that relationship require that I invest time, resources and dare I say love; if I have any hope of benefiting from them. I’ve had to also define exactly what it is I expect from my various relationships, because let’s be honest – we all want to gain something in the end. Whether you are looking for love from family; companionship, business opportunities or someone who has your back. We are ALL looking for something. I’ll also admit that this level of investment is not always easy or mutually beneficial, because as people we are irrational, have unrealistic expectations and sometimes have hidden agendas.

Over time, my relationships have yielded positive returns on my investment (ROI) and continue to do so in various ways. From fond memories spent with family, to moments of laughter and uplifting conversations with friends. I’ve also benefited both financially and professionally from opportunities my professional networks and business associations have unlocked for me over the last few years. As a result, I genuinely and sincerely continue to nurture these relationships, giving of my authentic self and bringing everything I have at my disposal to build meaningful relationships.

Picture taken by Seeng Theko

The question I have however, is what happens when a relationship stops being mutually beneficial? What happens when something that was once beautiful turns sour, destructive, painful or toxic? What if I am the toxic person in my relationship?

Over the last few years, I’ve lost a few relationships – family, friends and business associates each for different reasons. I outgrew some friendships because our interests changed for example, had to cut family members because the relationship was emotionally abusive or terminated business relationships because business goals weren’t aligned. I am also mature enough to admit that I had my own faults and contributed to how many relationships deteriorated. I’ll admit that I had role to play in how things unfolded and I am not as innocent as I’d like to believe.

With each lost relationship, I made an effort to introspect and seek understanding as to what went wrong and how I can improve going forward. This is also not the easiest thing to do, especially when you have to reach out to the person who has cut you off or vice versa. I recently lost a relationship that I truly treasured and loved. For years, the relationship blossomed beautifully, with amazing travel memories, great business conversations, career growth and the pursuit of our dreams. One day however, the relationship just stopped- without a warning or explanation. It literally just stopped and became extremely awkward.

Desperate to fix things, I attempted everything possible to make it work and make sense of what went wrong. With each attempt, I lost a piece of myself – I blamed myself for things going horribly wrong and this was painful. I beat myself up by negative self talk, judged and questioned myself for some of the things I may have said that could have resulted in the relationship ending. I spent years cracking my brain, trying to understand the reason (s) that could possibly warrant termination of the relationship. Worst still, without any communication from the other party as to what the reasons were. For the life of me, I could not make sense of any of it and this continued to break me (especially because I was intentional about working on fixing my broken relationships).

It was only recently that I learnt that the problem in the relationship was again me. My entire existence had become a problem for the other person. My ambitious drive invoked feelings of inadequacy and jealousy in the relationship. My approach to life was laded with ignorance on how this made the person feel, invoking feelings of insecurity. I learnt that I was incredibly inconsiderate (probably most of the time) to how I made the person feel, while pursuing my own dream (s). I had expectations (though not explicitly said) of how the person should live his/her dreams and I unconsciously put him/her under immerse pressure. While being myself in the relationship, I did not realize that my energy and demeanor was no longer what the person needed. I failed to recognize that the person was overwhelmed, while I was too busy by being myself in the relationship. Though the love is still there, I failed to realize that the relationship had ended many years ago. There were no compelling reasons that warranted the relationship continue. The damage had been done and nothing I did or said would salvage it.

Broken, hurt, shocked and bitterly disappointed; I needed to come to terms with the fact that another relationship ended. The beautiful memories and conversations were now all part of my history. The guilt torn me apart- how could being myself contribute to the relationship deteriorating? I struggled to reconcile how pursuing my dreams could make anyone feel insecure, but it did. I felt terrible for making anyone feel like I subjected them to unrealistic expectations or putting them under undue pressure. This was a bitter pill to swallow, especially because this was never my intention.

Picture taken at LM Foundation launch

Though coming to terms with my reality is extremely painful and I struggle to forgive myself, I believe that there is always a lesson (s) to learn. In this experience, I learnt that while being myself and being liked is a good thing; at times your energy and demeanor may not be what people need or want- this is okay! I’ve learnt that sometimes having drive and how we pursue our ambitions and goals can be destructive to other people – maybe because they are dealing with their own issues, there is misalignment or they have completely different ambitions and goals. This does not make your dreams invalid, it just means that you aren’t in an environment that is conducive for you. The most important lesson learnt from this experience is learning to let go and walking away from broken relationships. Hanging onto relationships that have ended a long time ago can negatively affect your mental and emotional well-being. My desperate attempts to fix and nurture this relationship actually damaged me more than I care to admit.

I still believe that relationships are beautiful and require nurturing. It is however important to know which relationship to nurture, invest time, resources and pour energy into. It is not every relationship that requires this level of investment or that will allow you to be yourself without making other people feel insecure around you. It is not every relationship that will work out as you had hoped or will last for years, this is okay. When relationships no longer work and cannot be salvaged, be courageous enough to walk away. Forgive yourself, if you are the perpetrator ask for forgiveness, learn from the experience and be intentional about being a better person.

Picture taken by Slug. Digital

If like me, you find yourself in a relationship where your authentic self is nauseating for the other person, do not beat yourself up. Have the courage to walk away, find your tribe, where being your authentic self is appreciated, be relentless in pursuit of your dreams, nurture relevant relationship and get on with it.